Dreams run Deep

 I was standing in this tall grass field that was relatively flat. A few low hills and a lone tree in the distance. It seems very familiar to me as I look around but, I can't put my finger on it. The sun is setting...or rising. I am not sure which since it seems to be frozen in it's tracks. Then it hits me. I painted a scene like this years earlier. I stand there stunned, just looking around. My painting has come life as if in a dream.

No sooner have I come to that realization that, I hear something that sounds like a cross between a hiss and a growl. It actually scares me to hear. But I have no idea what it could be. 

Then, out of the center of the sun, I realize that there is some kind of black dot which I can barely see. But, it is getting bigger and the light from the sun is not hurting my eyes. I am confused and scared. That black dot is not only getting bigger, I can tell it is moving. And, it lets out one more of those hissing growls. But, I can't run. It's as if my feet have taken root, I am unable to move. As the dark form gets closer, I realize that it is actually undulating in mid air. The first thing that crossed my mind is that is is some kind of air snake...and say this in my mind thinking of the "Flying" Snakes.

As it gets closer and a little off the side of the sun proper, I see that as it reflects the Sun's light that it is a snake. A dark one too. But, I am wrong. As it gets closer to the tree, it stops. As it coils it's self around the tree looking at me, I realize it is a Worm Dragon and it is gorgeous. It looks like it has a gold thread running through it's dark body. I am transfixed by the beauty. And, he stares at me with much the same type of curiosity. And, little by little, it gets closer to me winding through the tall grass until it is up just inches away from my face. Finally, face to face, as it looks into my eyes, I look in his eyes and I see so much feeling. So much love...and pain. A lot of pain and fear. But, for some reason, I sense that he smiles. And, when he does, the pain and fear go away. He then coils himself around my body and I can feel how soft and wonderful his skin is. And I feel this warmth all around me. Leaving me feeling safe.

Then, the worm Dragon starts dissolving into smoke of all colors and beautiful Lotus flowers star flying everywhere. But the smoke is gathering in front of me into an upright mass. Slowly, it starts taking up a humanoid shape about five feet in front of me. Then, it solidifies into a human form. And it is someone I know. Some one I fell for years prior. It is my gorgeous J. My beautiful J. 

That is when he smiles as me. Giving me one of his smiles that have always melted my heart since day one. I tried to walk to him but, I am still unable to move my feet. But he notices and starts walking toward me. But, just before he takes the first step, a black cloud comes from what I can only describe as from behind the sun, moving at an incredible speed. Within two steps, J and I hold hands but, the black cloud has reached him and he looks into the cloud and let's go if my hands. 

The Black smoke wraps, what look like, arms made of smoke around his shoulders and I see it going in him through tiny hole like pin pricks all over his body, nose and mouth. As it is doing this, he is turning J away from me and I hear a far away detached voice laugh a little. 

I call out to J and he stops and turns. he takes a step toward me but the black cloud seems to whisper in his ear and J smiles. A smile full of glee and...what seems to me as lust, but I am not sure. And He starts walking backward, away from me. All the while smiling that smile and looking at me. But, there was sadness in his eyes and the black cloud still kept on going into him. But, it started to take human form as well. A very strong, muscular man's form. But it had no actual definition. I tried to scream " I LO..." but, the detached voice laughed again and kept me from finishing my sentence. And, the voice said that "the choice is his and his alone to make. And he chose me before you came back. He knows the choice is made. He is taken again."

In sadness I start to say "But..." And, again, I am not allowed to finish. But that voice answers none the less, " Perhaps. But he knows the choice was made weather he realizes or not. But, perhaps. For now, he is mine. He might be mine forever...and that will be a short time." And he, the shape, laughed.

I shut my eyes tight and weaved a shield around him. A tight shield to protect him as much as I could. Then the whole scene shattered into a million pieces and everything goes dark. I can't see a single thing. But, I feel them...I feel them. And the voice is back in my head saying, "You can only protect him for so long. He knew there was a choice. And he chose me. He will always choose me because I offer pleasure. I offer release...and escape. I love him as much as he loves me. He loves me in away he will never love you because once again you are too late. He is taken by someone else again.".

And I wake up.

I always wake up in the same spot. Lost in darkness and reaching out to protect. Hurt and in pain.

I have been having this dream for years now. For years. 

When I started to have them, I didn't understand why I was having them. And why J? I had come to terms that I would never let him know how I felt and that it was always going to be from a distance that I was going to love him...from a distance. Besides, our communication had fallen so sparse that is was down to simple "Hey, How are you?" or "Hope you are well".

I didn't understand the dream...I didn't want to understand it. 

then we started talking on the daily again. And, It slipped out. I told him that I loved him, something I had told myself that I would never reveal to him. To my surprise, He told me he loved me as well. But, it felt off somehow. couldn't put my finger on it. Then, I realized, He loved me as he loved many others. perhaps he loved them more. The first time we talked via video call, I realized something else as well...I noticed what anyone who has experienced it can recognize. 

Mean while I kept having this dream here and there. 

I then came to the conclusion that what the dream was telling me was that I was late yet again. He was in love with someone else. All we would be able to do was "touch hands". 

I really don't see what I don't want to see do I? But, I had already asked for clear clarification of the dream. And, it was given. 

Last week, I was having a conversation again with J about the multiple readings he has had done on him and they all told him the same thing. This was after he asked what I had seen. I told him that I would be late again. He will have someone. That's when he mentioned the readings again and went into a bit more detail about a big choice he had to make and how he will end up alone. How he is destined to help with something big (which he is) but, it depended on that choice he has to make. 

That's when my dream became clear as day and my heart ached. And has been aching since. 

I made the assumption that the dark figure was a person. A person that would give and join him in the immediate satisfaction he so needs now. I assumed it was a possibility with a few people. But I was so wrong. 

What he was told is true. A choice needed to be made. What he doesn't know is the choice was made. I hadn't wanted to notice. Even though it has worried me more times than not. 

And, my dream has been correct as well. He is taken. But, I was really wrong. I assumed it was a person...Not an object. Not an object that numbs emotions and drops all inhibitions as well as helps a person make reckless choices  and actions in the name of satisfaction. He is taken.

When I realized that, I started tearing up. I told him that I loved him and that I will always love him. He told me that I could say that I loved  him with a smile, With a little more happiness. I have never been able to keep my true feelings from my eyes or tone of voice. But I couldn't tell him why I was so sad. I just gave him one of my smiles and we ended the Skype call soon after.

But, I can and will still love him. I know only too well where he is now. And, I will ALWAYS love him.

I will love him more than he will ever know. I will love him like I loved him before. As I will love him again. 

But, for now...I am just one of the many. I understand that. One that doesn't measure up and is left behind and will still be there.

My love is painful. But, it is a pain I gladly live with for him. 

I hate drugs. You become someone that is at their beck and call. Both the drugs and those that offer "fun". You run to people that really don't care because a person thinks they need an escape...they need "fun". Running toward those that only call you when you have something to offer: drugs, food, cash, sex, or anything they feel they can get from a person. And dealers that know just what to say to keep you coming back. Some guys will even spread STIs without a care for others because all they want is to get their rocks off. They don't care. I know, I have been there and have also seen it all. I have been taken advantage of many times. And I always excused their behavior because they did one or two "good" things. All the while ignoring who they were showing me, who they really are. And, at the time, I NEVER saw it that I was being taken advantage of because I saw it as something that happened under my terms.

And I also know, I am not enough...and, that I am late, he is taken again. I am just a stepping stone across. Nothing more. But, I will be damned if I am not there for him should something happen. No matter what, I love him. And I will always try to protect him. And ALWAYS love him. And, the future is not written in stone. Even if it were, stone can be broken. He can choose to pick up this stepping stone to go with him. And, I have always believed in love...always will. And, choices are made daily after all...and I believe in his light, his strength, in him.

I will make myself enough for the both of us.

You deserve better!

Well now...Just a short message.
It seems that thanks to the whole current drama situation happening in the Mukbang community, one very important subject has surfaced again. Something which I have always thought was a very ridiculous way of thinking, and something I find very disgusting, has come up. And that is, spending money on gifts and what not on someone and expecting something in return.
Where do I begin with this?
Okay...First of all, if you have this mentality,  in my POV, it is a SICK outlook. Aside from the fact that NO ONE ever owes anyone a thing. And just because you have spent some money on anyone, it doesn't give you the right to expect anything. That is an issue that must be dealt with, maybe with a counselor or therapist. Why? Because you are WRONG! That type of behavior is abusive in nature. Just, Plain and simple, DISGUSTING behavior.
I for one, LOVE gifting friends and acquaintances I care for with gifts. My friends know this of me already. I love gifting when I can. I have even taken Jackets off myself to give it to strangers who have needed them more than me. And as much I love gifting, I would never expect anything in return. It is the giving and the joy I see in the other person's face that make me happy...and sometimes really emotional as well. I have loved someone for a long time that I have lost contact with. But, if he needed me, I would be there for him as much as I could be. And, I wouldn't expect a thing in return. 
To expect anything from someone whom happens to be a precipitant of anything gifted is just wrong!
And if you are reading this and you are feeling pressure to do something because the other person is expecting something...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING, EVER. And, that person that is making you feel this way is NOT a good person at all. You do not need that type of person in your life at all. They are a toxic person who is a bit of a narcissist. That is not a healthy relationship to be in...Love wise or Friendship.
This type of relationship is just as bad as those who are physically abusive or indifferent or ignore you until they want something. These are the people you must walk away from...People you have to let go.
And THAT just hit me in the face. 😳 LOL! Funny how one may know things already but, may not recognize that they must do something until it is written down in black and white in front of them. WOW! Well, there you go, I must do some thing now...now that I have just realized something.
There is much I have to think about now and take into consideration. 🤔
I can see why blogs are such a powerful and therapeutic thing to do. very much like a diary...a public diary. LOL! But, it has given me insight into something I had not realized.
Anyway, NO ONE should make you feel like you owe them anything. And no one should ever make you feel like you are less than, EVER!!
With that said, and I did mention it was going to be a short one, I hope this made sense and I hope you all have beautiful Dark dreams. Enjoy life, love, live and "Share".

My POV on PNP and the LGBTQ+ Community

Well, where do I begin? This is a topic I have been thinking about for many, many years. And, if you have read my past post, you know I was part of the PNP crowd.
What is PNP? PNP stands for Party and Play. What is that, you may ask? Most people not part of the Gay community may not know. Well, Party and Play means that you would/will get high to have sex. Drugs of choice are Crystal, Speed, Coke and Ecstasy. But, there are many, many more.
Now, I have to be honest, sex under the influence is GREAT. And, in itself, very addictive. Inhibitions are nonexistent and you can go for days...yes, I said days.
And there in lies the problem. One is dealing with multiple addictions here. Addictions that make one feel like they're indestructible and getting pleasures that one assumes can never be duplicated, at the time. And, because inhibitions are out the door, multiple partners at once are common. Don't get me wrong, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with multiple partners at all. The issue is that deceases never come across one's mind. And while HIV/AIDS have now become extremely manageable (something I am extremely happy about...fought for years to reach this goal), there are a number of other deceases that are out there. Some curable while others not so much. But, none of that matters. And, the "who" doesn't matter either.
So, with all of these chemicals being suppressed and released in the brain, this whole PNP situation is a very addictive situation. And, because it is so prevalent in the community and has been for decades before I even came into the community, it seems that it is a very normalized behavior.
Those are the issues I have seen and experienced myself. And I HAVE experienced it first hand.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was very much a drug user. Something I haven't touched since 2005. And I was the quintessential PNP Boy. I was well know then in all of the different Gay communities found in LA and Palm Springs. And I was everywhere! And I did everything, anywhere. Yes, I am talking sex and drugs. From well know annual sex parties, Cruising in places like Hyperion and Vaseline Alley to visiting sex clubs and bars like Cuffs and CCBC or, just the bathroom or center of a dance floor at clubs like Rage, Sinomatics, Circus and Arena. Not to mention all of the public places like Buses (and then trains), Churches, parks, bushes, cars, and so on and so forth. And, again, I STILL don't find anything wrong with any of that...so long as you are not hurting anybody and it is all between consenting adults, I say go for it. I still do once in a while, but I digress.
The PNP aspect of the community is very common. While you're in it, you see nothing wrong with it. It is a fun and exciting way to have, what you think is, the best sex ever. But, it is slowly destroying my community. And that breaks my heart. So many have died from overdoes and/or decease. Some have done drugs so much that they have permanently damaged their brain and/or sent into an extreme depression which will end up taking the person's life. It's heartbreaking.
I am one of the lucky ones. I survived and surpassed being a PNP Boy. But many are not so lucky. The thing is that the education is out there. The help is there. But, if you are to submerged in the scene to care or believe the hype that that is the only way to have great sex, you don't want to hear anything that might put a stop to the "Party". Not even a hospital stay from an overdoes helps some. They will stop for a few months and then start up again on the down low. It breaks my heart. But, like I said in the past, if you are not ready to quit an addiction, it doesn't matter who or what, you will not stop.
NOW! if you are living the "Party Life" let me tell you a few things. Sex, soon after cleaning up, is odd. It doesn't feel the same or right. No lie. That is because your body is experiencing sex for the first time again. You have to "get used" to that feeling again. And, sometimes, I have heard that you have to wait for your sex drive to come back. But, I heard it comes back again. I never really lost it. But, I have become more selective in my choices of "who" now. And, the sex itself, what some think that they can't have the same kind of sex that they had while party and playing...let me tell you that that is a lie. Sex is so much better now because I can experience it all in the present...AND remember it all as well (those in the know know what I mean). Life does improve after drugs. Sex gets so much better and without the dark possibilities that come along with the drugs.
If it were up to me, I wish I could snap my fingers and make everyone wake up and realize the harm they are doing to themselves. But, one, I need to learn how to properly snap my fingers. And second, that would never happen. All I can do is share my POV and hope someone reads it and gets some inspiration from it. Hope that I can help at least one person...that is one life that I was able to help. But, again, I know that that first step must come from the person themselves.
With that, I hope this made sense and I hope you all have beautiful Dark dreams. Enjoy Life, be safe AND Love and share.

Drugs and my life

OK...
Going through Twitter and seeing all of the hate and ignorant comments that are being tweeted about Nick and his situation, I couldn't sit back and not do anything. But, what could I do that would not feed into the needless arguments that would lead nowhere? What could I do to try and educate some, at least?
The only thing I could think of is the only thing I could really do...tell MY story.
So. let's start at the beginning...
I grew up in a very loving home. Raised by my grandparents and, for the first young years of my life, Uncles and Aunts. I was very loved and over protected when little. But, I still had a very trying life. I was also born and raised in the Mormon religion. I was the example many used in my church Branch as the example of what a Mormon child should behave like ( I hated that). But, I never had any issues with the other kids, ever. they understood.
I left the church when I was 17. I had many questions which they could never answer. I had also experienced a traumatic life changing situation by then. And, I had come to terms with my sexuality, which goes against all that the church teaches and stands for.
I lived a drug free life for many years.
Then, when I was 18, I went with a friend to tryout for a job he had seen in a local paper, The LA Weekly. It said they were looking for "telephone Actors". He wanted to work there and I went along to keep him company. While there, I got convinced to do the try out after they told me that I could work the swing shift, since I had a job as a Bank Teller (That was my first job) and was going to College. When my friend got on with his test, he froze, but I had no problem at all talking. I got the job as a phone whore, basically.
After working two jobs and going to school, I was exhausted. And dealing with the sick fucks on the lines, it was very taxing on me emotionally and physically. That was when a coworker told me what she did to stay awake, do all she needed to do and deal with the stresses of the callers, Speed/Crystal.
It was four days later that I asked to try it. I was amazed! I was able to do it all! It gave me a clear head and so much energy.
But, there was so much going on in that office that triggered me even more that I gave my two weeks notice and left the job. Once I left the job, I had no need for the drug. So, I left that behind as well.
It wasn't until years later, when I started working as a phone sex operator again, that I started to use again. But, it was all still very recreational. I was what is known as a weekend warrior and a PNP guy (Which is a BIG problem in the Gay community in it's self and most guys don't want to admit that. But that's another story).
Then, I moved companies and went back to the company which I had worked for all those years ago. By then, my tolerance was extremely high for drugs and alcohol. I would do an 8 ball a day on my slow days. Pink Champagne was my favorite speed. Crystal was always fun. and ritalin was used when the others, or coke, were not available. But to really party, it was a cocktail all the way. a mixture of all of them with pot and some Hashish and a few drops of acid and a few ecstacy tabs. Like I said, my tolerance was sky high.
Then I stopped doing pot, which I was a BIG pot smoker as well, because I didn't like the way it was making me feel.
During this time, I also tried Sherms, Mushrooms, Acid, and even Crack. Just to see what they were like.
Now mind you, during this whole period, the only people who knew where my party friends and party partners. Everyone else in my life never had a clue. I was a high functioning addict. Some people thought I was high when I would take my party breaks. They all thought I was stone beyond belief when I was sober.
I used for 7 years straight with no one the wiser. Then, I started getting harassed in the worst way possible at that Phone Sex job by a bunch of new employees. I did meet some wonderful people there but, they had been let go for not keeping up with the hold time required to keep the callers. I don't know about these new people, the why they did what they did. But that caused me to use even more. Then one day I snapped. I said fuck this! And walked out of the job an hour into it and I went home. On the way home, I realized that I was free and I didn't need to use anymore because the reason I started was no longer there. So, when I got home, I threw out everything I had that had to do with drugs. Pipes, specialty straws, Bullets, modified bottles...you name it, I had it and it was in the trash. including, about $800.00 worth of drugs I was originally planing to used the coming weekend. I was determined to clean up.
For me, that was the start in the right direction. But, a week later, I fell into a deep depression. One where I tried to slit my wrists. Almost succeeded too. But, for some reason, the blade never cut me too deep. They were all superficial cuts. No matter how hard or light I would cut. Yet, when I would try it on tissue paper, It had no problem cutting it. I said a few words to no one in particular and walked out of my room. When they saw the blood running down my hands, they called the ambulance. They took me to the ER and then the cops showed up. they interviewed me and once I was patched up, they took me on a 51/50. I was institutionalized and was there for a total of 8 days. Those 8 days helped me with my complete detox.
The doctors were actually shocked when they ran my blood work at how much drugs I was on. That I was still alive. And to top it off, I had no idea I had an irregular heartbeat then either. Basically, it was a shock to everyone that I had survived what I did. And that, even though I had not done drugs in over a week, they were still in my system.
But, I survived and I have never touch the stuff again. That was on March 5, 2005 when I stopped using.
Now, during this whole time that I was using, I put myself into very scary situations. Not that that mattered to me. I saw many friends pass away from overdoses and trying bad shit. I saw other end up with mental issues and more take their own lives. None of that stopped me. Nothing or no one could have ever stopped me until I decided to do so. No amount of peer pressure or care or "LOVE" could have stopped me from using.
Unless you have lived it or have been next to someone who has, you will never know what it's like. You can judge from your holier than thou point of view but, You have no right to do so. And when one talks on an issue where they have no knowledge about just because you have heard about this, or have read about that...unless you have sat down and had an honest conversation with an ex addict, or even better yet, with an addict, you have no right to open that trap.
I am one of the lucky ones. I survived. And I have helped a few other people do so as well. I have lost many friends to drugs and decease. I have done things for my friends that I don't regret. My friends know that I will walk though fire for them, and have.
The funny and sad thing is that the ones who judge the hardest are the ones who are either religious or know nothing about what they are judging. Why I don't trust those who are extremely religious. They are some of the most hate filled and most judgmental people in existence. I am very Spiritual.
And besides, as that saying goes, "Religion is for people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there"
No one can stop these people from judging. No one can teach them compassion or empathy. But, Karma, The Higher Power, Our Heavenly Father or whomever or whatever you believe in, ALWAYS has a way of teaching you.And teaching you with the same hand that you used to point at someone else.
Also, remember, Those that get up after being beat down are the strongest people. The ones you have to watch out for.
Well, that is the short version of the drug aspects of my story. And my POV on those who talk of other to shame and to try talk down to. All I can say is learn and grow. Or you can stay where you are and be that gutter snake. But, I believe everyone can grow and learn. Choose compassion. Learn empathy. Live and let live without judgement.
PS. Yes, I do block people who comment negativity. Even when it is under the guise of a backhanded compliment. THAT is my choice...Thank you.

I have questions?

So, the past few days have been very interesting for me. It all started when I realized that a person I had been talking to for some time was not really interested in me for me but, for some idea of what he thought I was. Or so I thought. I was a bit hurt but, life goes on.I am used to being left in the lurch and I just move on.
Then, days later, I got a weird phone call from an unknown number. The message left was even more puzzling with a couple of questioning grunts. I assumed it was this person because he had sent a message earlier that day.
Last night, I got another call from that same number. Me being me, and assuming that it was a call from this person, I answered the call to put an end to it. To my surprise, it was someone completely unknown to me. He let me know that he was calling me because he couldn't let people play with others the way I was being played with. Then he told me that he had know that the person I was talking to (he didn't know I had stopped talking to them) was only trying to play with my emotions. and he proceeded to tel me how. Which involved a whole lot of personal information about me...what I like both in my regular life as well as what I like sexually (which included stuff that I do sexually and what I am willing to do for someone I care for). I was so shocked! All I could ask was who told him all of this and why? All the caller said was one name, Rudy. then hung up.
To say I was beyond angry is an understatement.
I think I should explain who Rudy is...And How he broke me twice.
Back in '97, I met this guy at a club in North Hollywood that, for the life of me, I can't recall the name of it then. It is now Skinny's Lounge. And I remember that night because of two things, meeting him and having a great time and, when it was time to leave, I went outside to wait for everyone while a friend, Ernesto, went back inside to search for everyone else. While I was outside, someone tried to hold me up at gun point and after I stopped laughing and talking to him, I ended up giving him a hug (but, that's another story).
Anyway, I ended up calling Rudy and we started dating. I, eventually, ended up moving in with him. we were happy I thought. But, he did cross the line of respect once with my best friend and I that I got mad about. But, all was great. Then one day, I got off work early and decided to surprise him. So I got food from his favorite restaurant and went home. Now, mind you, he was still friends with his ex and they would hand out a lot...I never had an issue with that. I actually really liked his ex. He was a sweet giant of a man and really fun.Well, when I got home, the lights were all on but no one was around. But, I heard some noises coming from the back, where the bedrooms were. Noises I knew only to well. So, I walked very quietly back there and, through the gaps of Asian screen we had at the entrance, I saw him having sex with his ex. I must have made a noise because they both jumped. I walked out and he followed me to the living room where the first thing he said was, "it is not what you think you saw". Even though I had gotten out of work early, early then was 10pm,  I just couldn't deal with the betrayal at that moment.
If he wanted to be in an open relationship, he should had told me. I would have been ok with that. my big thing is communication. But, if you are going to cheat just to cheat? No, I won't deal with that at all. And I am the type of person that when you fuck me over badly enough, I am done.
I remember getting some blankets and setting up to sleep on the couch. I don't know what look I gave him but, I cut him of from telling me that we needed to talk and told him that we would talk in the morning. he just  got quite and walked away from me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep.
When morning came, I showered and he was trying to talk to me.I told him that he needed to go and help his "friend" move. I told him to go and that we would talk when he got back. He didn't want to go but I somehow convinced him to go help with the move with the promise to talk when he got back.
As soon as his car left I called a close friend, Rene, and told him if he could help me and come and pick me up because I was leaving Rudy.
I remember him asking me if Rudy had hit me...I started laughing so hard. I finally told him that I would tell him everything when he got there and hung up. I just started packing everything into garbage bags and called some friends in WeHo. Told them what had happened and the plan fell into place. I called my grandmama and told her that I would be disappearing for a while and that Rudy would be calling her looking for me. After I gave her my contact info, I told her not to tell Rudy where I was and to not tell my grandpapa where I was either because if he talked to Rudy, it would slip.
To my shock, 20 minutes later I heard someone trying the door. Shocked, I threw all of the bags behind the couch and went to check who it was. It was my friend Rene, which was a shock in it's self. He lived about 40 minutes away...sometimes longer, depending on LA traffic. I grabbed the bags and we went to our friends' place in WeHo where I stayed for three months. Just over the Hill but I knew that Rudy and his friends being the "Valley Queens" that they are rarely, if ever go over the hill. YAY for not cutting your friends off when you're in a relationship!
After three months, I went back to my regular life 100 % better. then I got a call from Rudy asking if I would give him some pictures. I found it odd but I agreed to meet him outside my place and give him the photos. I don't know what he was expecting but, he didn't get what he wanted from me. He knows how I am. I was done. then he told me that the pictures never mattered, all he wanted to do was see me again. all I said was "Ok, you saw. Now I've got to go". and I left.
I presented myself as the always fun and outgoing person in the months that followed. But, I knew I was broken. He took my trust away. But, I kept on going.
Then, about a year and a half later or so, I happen to run into one of his friends. And what he asked stopped me in my tracks. All he asked was, "Are you OK? Are you healthy?".
Before I go on, I am 100% negative of any decease...knock on wood. I have never had any STD or STI in my live...Not even Crabs. LOL
As someone who was a activist for the community, participating in marches, Dance-a-thons, Walk-A-thons, Volunteering at the LGBT center ( as it was called then) and APLA because I had lost too many friends (and would loose many more), I knew what that question was about. All I asked was for how long? That's when that friend looked shocked. He asked if he had never told me. I said no and asked again for how long? He then told me that Rudy had been positive for at least ten years. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and my legs not working. I remember hearing my friends saying something but not hearing them. I remember walking out of Circus Disco and just walking. And I remember being pushed into a car. It is all still a bit of a haze. I just remember waking up in my friend's place in Panorama City. Calling another friend to meet me at the Center and I left without a word to get tested. I knew that the incubation period was six months and the tests back then couldn't test the way they test now. I stopped having sex for a year while getting tested every month in different places. As I mentioned before, all came out clear for me. But, my trust was completely shattered. and I fell down a very dark hole. one that I had crawled out of years before.
But, I survived, all of that and moved on.
I was still making some bad choices in men and life but I kept on going.
Then,moving ahead to the present, I met this guy while standing in line to pay for groceries. We talked for a bit, I payed and moved on. I saw him a few times at the grocery store and we would small chat before he asked for my number. I am clueless when someone if flirting with me face to face. So we started talking more. this went on for a very long time. And yes, we kind of hooked up a few times. But nothing was ever exclusive. Then he started pushing for us to have sex. But, something in my gut wouldn't let me...which, though it doesn't happen often, it does happen. And I have learned to listen to my gut now. The last time I talked to him, it came across to me that he wasn't really interested in me but, an idea of me. That hurt my "fillers" but I moved on. Then, I get the phone call I answered last night.
And we are where we are now. I have no idea where Rudy is...but have help in looking for him now. I can't get a hold of "J" and his number is disconnected.
The questions that are running through my mind are Why? And Why now? It has been decades since I saw Rudy last. And, he is 24 years my senior. What is really going on is what I want to find out.
It's all a mess really. I just don't know.
Well, that's off my chest!
I can at least move on some now that it's out. But I will continue to search. I need answers.

New caricature drawing of Nick Snider

This is one of my new drawings of the one and only, Nick Snider. He's an incredible YouTuber who has been using this line as a form of joke because all of the other problematic Youtubers use it as part of the apology script every time they do something wrong. It has now become a joke. Because he is one of the best at laughing at it, I thought I would draw my interpretation of him within that frame. 😊

Possible actions...

So, for a few decades, I have been playing with an idea in my head. An idea for a story. It has grown some but, it is very scattered yet.
Last night was the first time I tried to put every down into a workable timeline. I have much work to do and a whole lot of dots to connect to make it into an almost workable reference point...A whole lot of work to do. But, I am kind of liking where this is going. That was a shock. Once I am done with that, I have to really sit and think about putting pen to paper...am I really serious about writing a contemporary fantasy book???? Man, That is the question I have been asking myself as much as I have been thinking about this whole story. If not more.
I have got to take some time and think in a quiet place so I can really contemplate what I really want to do with this.
So confused! But, I have been thinking about it so long that it feels like it is growing a mind of it's own and wants to come out of me and see the world. That being said, THAT seems like the logical answer but...It is me and I will think it out much, much more. and then there's the time. When would I find the time. So much to think about.
I'll see what will happen when the time is right...
Till then, more thinking.