Well, it's been a very long time since I have posted here. And so much has happened since. A lot has improved and yet, I apparently still hold a lot of it inside and it is affecting me. So, a friend told me that I should write it down to get it all out. I am sure they didn't mean to do so on a platform like this one but, why not? Not many know I have this and rarely, do people read what I write so...here I am. And it is going to be long and the personal family tea will be spilled.
Now, for the few that might read this that know me know that my incubator (woman that gave birth to me) and I didn't get a long. And she was a horrible person. She basically thought only of herself. And one of her favorite things to do was to cause problems and then make herself the victim. One of the things which I hated, actually hated, was when she would insult my grandmama. She called her every name under the sun. All because she raised me and I am closer to her. My grandmama is my mother. She actually rescued me from the incubator, with the help of one of my Aunts, by having her give up her rights to me. Even after that, my grandmama still wanted me to have a relationship with the incubator. She would say that it was important for me. She would even tell me to spend time with her. Which I did, a few times. And each time, it was hell.
A perfect example of that happened when I was 9 years old. The incubator worked as a nanny then (which always shocked me that people actually trusted her with their kids). The family, whom were well off away) had taken a family vacation. So, the incubator told my grandmama that she could have me at the house and she and I could spend time there. I could use the pool, hand out with the horses or the dogs. I didn't want to go because of previous experiences. But, she then said that I could take a friend. That changed mind. My grandmama and I went to the house my best friend of the time to ask her mom if she could accompany me. To my grateful glee, she said yes. So, my bestie and I packed and talked about how much fun it was going to be. I mean, the incubator would have to behave with someone else there right?
Wrong!
The second night of our stay in that house, my bestie and I where watching TV in her room, located at one end of the house, just off the living room. We were all ready for bed. Then we heard a few voices along with the incubator. We snuck out to see what was going on. What did we find? She was drinking...drunk in the living room with two strange men. One of the men, who was just as drunk as she, saw us as soon as we walked into the light. I vividly remember him looking as us and saying, "oh look, new toys for us." I remember being so scared and my friend and I running back to the room. Closing and locking the door. As well as pushing drawers and other stuff against the door. I remember hearing both men banging against the door and yelling for us to open it so they could "play" with us. We had no idea what they meant by that. All we knew is that we were scared...though now, I have a very good idea what those monsters meant. And sure enough, there was the incubator also yelling for us not to be rude and open the door because her guest wanted to play with us. All I remember is being scared and sitting on the other side of the bed on the floor hugging my friend. Then she said that we should call her mom or my grandmama. Which we did. My grandmama and my friend's parents came to pick us up.
Needless to say, that was the last time I was allowed to hang out with my friend. Which I don't blame them at all for making that choice. Though it hurt greatly then.
And, because of situations much like this, I grew to fear my incubator. Which changed to hate and then to indifference. By the time I was 15, I had no feelings toward her, one way or the other. Which help me to deal with her through out the years. Especially when it came to defending my grandmama from her when she would blow up on her for one thing or another. My grandmama would always just let her yell and rarely talk back. The reason for this, which she always gave me when I would ask why was always the same, "she's still my daughter". Which because the phrase that she used for a few of her other children as well.
What can you do?
Now, my incubator wasn't the only one in the family that gave me grief throughout my life. Yeah, my family is full of fun and lovable people that should of been swallowed.
I have an uncle who was very close to me when I was little. They all were actually. I was very much like a favorite pet. Spoiled and loved. But, a few years after I graduated high school, I started working with his wife, My aunt by marriage whom I still love very much. We grew closer still while we worked together. My uncle didn't appreciate that at all. He had it in his head that she and I were having an affair...with my aunt! It was disgusting. That is when his behavior towards me changed completely, and none of it good.
Then, I came out of the closet. That was the end of the last feeling of family that uncle had towards me ended. He treated me like trash. Called me every derogatory name in the book, and some that aren't in the book, in regards to my sexuality and how disgusting he thought I was. It got so bad that I stopped going to family gatherings because I didn't want anyone else to have a bad time. For over ten years I stayed away from the family. And knowing him and his personality, I knew he was spreading lies and just talking shit about me. But, me being me, I didn't care. The whole out of sight out of mind was a big aid in my ability to move forward with my life without a care in the world.
Now, because of my Grandmama and my Grandpapa, I started going back to family gatherings again. Little by little. But I went.
Then, That uncle's baby son grew up. And wouldn't you guess, he came out of the closet. It wasn't easy for him either. But, his wonderful mom had a come to Jesus conversation with that uncle. whatever was said, he changed his behavior, both towards his son and towards me. He did give me a sort of apology. "Sorry" was never spoken. But it was implied.
I still kept a bit of a distance from him because I have always known the type of person he is. My grandmama told me to stay away from him. She knew he held some resentment towards her.
You see, Soon after I quit my Job where I worked with my aunt by marriage because of said uncle (I gave her a stupid reason for leaving), She showed up at the apartment I my Grandparents apartment with the kids. And she wasn't in good shape. He had beat her. And she was beyond hurt. My grandmama was furious. He might be her son but, she would never stand for a man beating a woman. She had experienced that with my grandpapa in their relationship early on. So, when she saw my aunt by marriage, she was livid. She actually advised her to leave my uncle. That she deserved better. and she did. They divorced soon after that. As soon as divorces take. She knew he always held that against her.
But, even then, when he had nowhere to go, my grandmama took him in when he had nowhere to go. By then, my grandparents had moved to a new apartment building. and in that building lived this woman whose reputation in the whole building was "the crazy woman". This was because she was always arguing with someone in the building. It was bad.
And, of course, they found each other. My grandmama was happy that he found some one but, she always said that it was funny that two people with the same personality came together. And that was a point she would make every time their personalities would come through. And it came out quite a lot.
I think that is the big reason I don't put up with mistreatment at all. It took a long time to get here but here I am.
Anyways.
My grandpapa passed from heart issues and that devastated the whole family.
During this tough time, promises were made. Promises that were broken within weeks of my Grandpapa's burial. Like I said before, his true colors always shone through. He ended up arguing with my aunt and uncle, his siblings. It was so bad that they even stopped talking to him. He just isn't a good person. His kids are incredible people though. Their mom taught them right.
I could go on and on about his "wonderful"Behavior but, then I would be here for years.
Another uncle I have is also gay. One would think that having a gay uncle would be great to a young gay person. Having a built in mentor and support system. One would think. He was someone who would shift between two personas. one was very kind and given. the other was evil and mean.
Now, this uncle and the one previously mentioned got a long. At family gatherings, they would talk for hours. But, what the first one didn't know, or refused to acknowledge, was the fact that the gay one hated him.
Apparently it all stemmed from the first ones homophobia and the fact that in the late 70's, that same homophobic prick stabbed the gay one in the back. Apparently, after being stabbed, the homophobic A-Hole said some things and walked out. The incubator took that uncle to the hospital. So it was told to me by said gay uncle. That is where his hate for the other one started. And it never relented. It only grew. But, only a couple of us knew this. It was really odd seeing them interact knowing how one felt for the other.
The way the gay uncle played the loving brother and then talk the worst shit once we were going home. Or anytime that the other wasn't around. It was a bit unnerving really. But, I kept my mouth shut. I just observe and keep mental notes. I tend to do that a whole lot.
These are the shades in this "story".
This is already long enough I think. I will hit publish and return with the rest...how it all culminated into two deaths and no contact.
Fun times.
If you have read this and want more, of this purge, keep your eyes open. More coming soon.
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