OK...
Going through Twitter and seeing all of the hate and ignorant comments that are being tweeted about Nick and his situation, I couldn't sit back and not do anything. But, what could I do that would not feed into the needless arguments that would lead nowhere? What could I do to try and educate some, at least?
The only thing I could think of is the only thing I could really do...tell MY story.
So. let's start at the beginning...
I grew up in a very loving home. Raised by my grandparents and, for the first young years of my life, Uncles and Aunts. I was very loved and over protected when little. But, I still had a very trying life. I was also born and raised in the Mormon religion. I was the example many used in my church Branch as the example of what a Mormon child should behave like ( I hated that). But, I never had any issues with the other kids, ever. they understood.
I left the church when I was 17. I had many questions which they could never answer. I had also experienced a traumatic life changing situation by then. And, I had come to terms with my sexuality, which goes against all that the church teaches and stands for.
I lived a drug free life for many years.
Then, when I was 18, I went with a friend to tryout for a job he had seen in a local paper, The LA Weekly. It said they were looking for "telephone Actors". He wanted to work there and I went along to keep him company. While there, I got convinced to do the try out after they told me that I could work the swing shift, since I had a job as a Bank Teller (That was my first job) and was going to College. When my friend got on with his test, he froze, but I had no problem at all talking. I got the job as a phone whore, basically.
After working two jobs and going to school, I was exhausted. And dealing with the sick fucks on the lines, it was very taxing on me emotionally and physically. That was when a coworker told me what she did to stay awake, do all she needed to do and deal with the stresses of the callers, Speed/Crystal.
It was four days later that I asked to try it. I was amazed! I was able to do it all! It gave me a clear head and so much energy.
But, there was so much going on in that office that triggered me even more that I gave my two weeks notice and left the job. Once I left the job, I had no need for the drug. So, I left that behind as well.
It wasn't until years later, when I started working as a phone sex operator again, that I started to use again. But, it was all still very recreational. I was what is known as a weekend warrior and a PNP guy (Which is a BIG problem in the Gay community in it's self and most guys don't want to admit that. But that's another story).
Then, I moved companies and went back to the company which I had worked for all those years ago. By then, my tolerance was extremely high for drugs and alcohol. I would do an 8 ball a day on my slow days. Pink Champagne was my favorite speed. Crystal was always fun. and ritalin was used when the others, or coke, were not available. But to really party, it was a cocktail all the way. a mixture of all of them with pot and some Hashish and a few drops of acid and a few ecstacy tabs. Like I said, my tolerance was sky high.
Then I stopped doing pot, which I was a BIG pot smoker as well, because I didn't like the way it was making me feel.
During this time, I also tried Sherms, Mushrooms, Acid, and even Crack. Just to see what they were like.
Now mind you, during this whole period, the only people who knew where my party friends and party partners. Everyone else in my life never had a clue. I was a high functioning addict. Some people thought I was high when I would take my party breaks. They all thought I was stone beyond belief when I was sober.
I used for 7 years straight with no one the wiser. Then, I started getting harassed in the worst way possible at that Phone Sex job by a bunch of new employees. I did meet some wonderful people there but, they had been let go for not keeping up with the hold time required to keep the callers. I don't know about these new people, the why they did what they did. But that caused me to use even more. Then one day I snapped. I said fuck this! And walked out of the job an hour into it and I went home. On the way home, I realized that I was free and I didn't need to use anymore because the reason I started was no longer there. So, when I got home, I threw out everything I had that had to do with drugs. Pipes, specialty straws, Bullets, modified bottles...you name it, I had it and it was in the trash. including, about $800.00 worth of drugs I was originally planing to used the coming weekend. I was determined to clean up.
For me, that was the start in the right direction. But, a week later, I fell into a deep depression. One where I tried to slit my wrists. Almost succeeded too. But, for some reason, the blade never cut me too deep. They were all superficial cuts. No matter how hard or light I would cut. Yet, when I would try it on tissue paper, It had no problem cutting it. I said a few words to no one in particular and walked out of my room. When they saw the blood running down my hands, they called the ambulance. They took me to the ER and then the cops showed up. they interviewed me and once I was patched up, they took me on a 51/50. I was institutionalized and was there for a total of 8 days. Those 8 days helped me with my complete detox.
The doctors were actually shocked when they ran my blood work at how much drugs I was on. That I was still alive. And to top it off, I had no idea I had an irregular heartbeat then either. Basically, it was a shock to everyone that I had survived what I did. And that, even though I had not done drugs in over a week, they were still in my system.
But, I survived and I have never touch the stuff again. That was on March 5, 2005 when I stopped using.
Now, during this whole time that I was using, I put myself into very scary situations. Not that that mattered to me. I saw many friends pass away from overdoses and trying bad shit. I saw other end up with mental issues and more take their own lives. None of that stopped me. Nothing or no one could have ever stopped me until I decided to do so. No amount of peer pressure or care or "LOVE" could have stopped me from using.
Unless you have lived it or have been next to someone who has, you will never know what it's like. You can judge from your holier than thou point of view but, You have no right to do so. And when one talks on an issue where they have no knowledge about just because you have heard about this, or have read about that...unless you have sat down and had an honest conversation with an ex addict, or even better yet, with an addict, you have no right to open that trap.
I am one of the lucky ones. I survived. And I have helped a few other people do so as well. I have lost many friends to drugs and decease. I have done things for my friends that I don't regret. My friends know that I will walk though fire for them, and have.
The funny and sad thing is that the ones who judge the hardest are the ones who are either religious or know nothing about what they are judging. Why I don't trust those who are extremely religious. They are some of the most hate filled and most judgmental people in existence. I am very Spiritual.
And besides, as that saying goes, "Religion is for people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there"
No one can stop these people from judging. No one can teach them compassion or empathy. But, Karma, The Higher Power, Our Heavenly Father or whomever or whatever you believe in, ALWAYS has a way of teaching you.And teaching you with the same hand that you used to point at someone else.
Also, remember, Those that get up after being beat down are the strongest people. The ones you have to watch out for.
Well, that is the short version of the drug aspects of my story. And my POV on those who talk of other to shame and to try talk down to. All I can say is learn and grow. Or you can stay where you are and be that gutter snake. But, I believe everyone can grow and learn. Choose compassion. Learn empathy. Live and let live without judgement.
PS. Yes, I do block people who comment negativity. Even when it is under the guise of a backhanded compliment. THAT is my choice...Thank you.
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Thursday, December 26, 2019
I have questions?
So, the past few days have been very interesting for me. It all started when I realized that a person I had been talking to for some time was not really interested in me for me but, for some idea of what he thought I was. Or so I thought. I was a bit hurt but, life goes on.I am used to being left in the lurch and I just move on.
Then, days later, I got a weird phone call from an unknown number. The message left was even more puzzling with a couple of questioning grunts. I assumed it was this person because he had sent a message earlier that day.
Last night, I got another call from that same number. Me being me, and assuming that it was a call from this person, I answered the call to put an end to it. To my surprise, it was someone completely unknown to me. He let me know that he was calling me because he couldn't let people play with others the way I was being played with. Then he told me that he had know that the person I was talking to (he didn't know I had stopped talking to them) was only trying to play with my emotions. and he proceeded to tel me how. Which involved a whole lot of personal information about me...what I like both in my regular life as well as what I like sexually (which included stuff that I do sexually and what I am willing to do for someone I care for). I was so shocked! All I could ask was who told him all of this and why? All the caller said was one name, Rudy. then hung up.
To say I was beyond angry is an understatement.
I think I should explain who Rudy is...And How he broke me twice.
Back in '97, I met this guy at a club in North Hollywood that, for the life of me, I can't recall the name of it then. It is now Skinny's Lounge. And I remember that night because of two things, meeting him and having a great time and, when it was time to leave, I went outside to wait for everyone while a friend, Ernesto, went back inside to search for everyone else. While I was outside, someone tried to hold me up at gun point and after I stopped laughing and talking to him, I ended up giving him a hug (but, that's another story).
Anyway, I ended up calling Rudy and we started dating. I, eventually, ended up moving in with him. we were happy I thought. But, he did cross the line of respect once with my best friend and I that I got mad about. But, all was great. Then one day, I got off work early and decided to surprise him. So I got food from his favorite restaurant and went home. Now, mind you, he was still friends with his ex and they would hand out a lot...I never had an issue with that. I actually really liked his ex. He was a sweet giant of a man and really fun.Well, when I got home, the lights were all on but no one was around. But, I heard some noises coming from the back, where the bedrooms were. Noises I knew only to well. So, I walked very quietly back there and, through the gaps of Asian screen we had at the entrance, I saw him having sex with his ex. I must have made a noise because they both jumped. I walked out and he followed me to the living room where the first thing he said was, "it is not what you think you saw". Even though I had gotten out of work early, early then was 10pm, I just couldn't deal with the betrayal at that moment.
If he wanted to be in an open relationship, he should had told me. I would have been ok with that. my big thing is communication. But, if you are going to cheat just to cheat? No, I won't deal with that at all. And I am the type of person that when you fuck me over badly enough, I am done.
I remember getting some blankets and setting up to sleep on the couch. I don't know what look I gave him but, I cut him of from telling me that we needed to talk and told him that we would talk in the morning. he just got quite and walked away from me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep.
When morning came, I showered and he was trying to talk to me.I told him that he needed to go and help his "friend" move. I told him to go and that we would talk when he got back. He didn't want to go but I somehow convinced him to go help with the move with the promise to talk when he got back.
As soon as his car left I called a close friend, Rene, and told him if he could help me and come and pick me up because I was leaving Rudy.
I remember him asking me if Rudy had hit me...I started laughing so hard. I finally told him that I would tell him everything when he got there and hung up. I just started packing everything into garbage bags and called some friends in WeHo. Told them what had happened and the plan fell into place. I called my grandmama and told her that I would be disappearing for a while and that Rudy would be calling her looking for me. After I gave her my contact info, I told her not to tell Rudy where I was and to not tell my grandpapa where I was either because if he talked to Rudy, it would slip.
To my shock, 20 minutes later I heard someone trying the door. Shocked, I threw all of the bags behind the couch and went to check who it was. It was my friend Rene, which was a shock in it's self. He lived about 40 minutes away...sometimes longer, depending on LA traffic. I grabbed the bags and we went to our friends' place in WeHo where I stayed for three months. Just over the Hill but I knew that Rudy and his friends being the "Valley Queens" that they are rarely, if ever go over the hill. YAY for not cutting your friends off when you're in a relationship!
After three months, I went back to my regular life 100 % better. then I got a call from Rudy asking if I would give him some pictures. I found it odd but I agreed to meet him outside my place and give him the photos. I don't know what he was expecting but, he didn't get what he wanted from me. He knows how I am. I was done. then he told me that the pictures never mattered, all he wanted to do was see me again. all I said was "Ok, you saw. Now I've got to go". and I left.
I presented myself as the always fun and outgoing person in the months that followed. But, I knew I was broken. He took my trust away. But, I kept on going.
Then, about a year and a half later or so, I happen to run into one of his friends. And what he asked stopped me in my tracks. All he asked was, "Are you OK? Are you healthy?".
Before I go on, I am 100% negative of any decease...knock on wood. I have never had any STD or STI in my live...Not even Crabs. LOL
As someone who was a activist for the community, participating in marches, Dance-a-thons, Walk-A-thons, Volunteering at the LGBT center ( as it was called then) and APLA because I had lost too many friends (and would loose many more), I knew what that question was about. All I asked was for how long? That's when that friend looked shocked. He asked if he had never told me. I said no and asked again for how long? He then told me that Rudy had been positive for at least ten years. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and my legs not working. I remember hearing my friends saying something but not hearing them. I remember walking out of Circus Disco and just walking. And I remember being pushed into a car. It is all still a bit of a haze. I just remember waking up in my friend's place in Panorama City. Calling another friend to meet me at the Center and I left without a word to get tested. I knew that the incubation period was six months and the tests back then couldn't test the way they test now. I stopped having sex for a year while getting tested every month in different places. As I mentioned before, all came out clear for me. But, my trust was completely shattered. and I fell down a very dark hole. one that I had crawled out of years before.
But, I survived, all of that and moved on.
I was still making some bad choices in men and life but I kept on going.
Then,moving ahead to the present, I met this guy while standing in line to pay for groceries. We talked for a bit, I payed and moved on. I saw him a few times at the grocery store and we would small chat before he asked for my number. I am clueless when someone if flirting with me face to face. So we started talking more. this went on for a very long time. And yes, we kind of hooked up a few times. But nothing was ever exclusive. Then he started pushing for us to have sex. But, something in my gut wouldn't let me...which, though it doesn't happen often, it does happen. And I have learned to listen to my gut now. The last time I talked to him, it came across to me that he wasn't really interested in me but, an idea of me. That hurt my "fillers" but I moved on. Then, I get the phone call I answered last night.
And we are where we are now. I have no idea where Rudy is...but have help in looking for him now. I can't get a hold of "J" and his number is disconnected.
The questions that are running through my mind are Why? And Why now? It has been decades since I saw Rudy last. And, he is 24 years my senior. What is really going on is what I want to find out.
It's all a mess really. I just don't know.
Well, that's off my chest!
I can at least move on some now that it's out. But I will continue to search. I need answers.
Then, days later, I got a weird phone call from an unknown number. The message left was even more puzzling with a couple of questioning grunts. I assumed it was this person because he had sent a message earlier that day.
Last night, I got another call from that same number. Me being me, and assuming that it was a call from this person, I answered the call to put an end to it. To my surprise, it was someone completely unknown to me. He let me know that he was calling me because he couldn't let people play with others the way I was being played with. Then he told me that he had know that the person I was talking to (he didn't know I had stopped talking to them) was only trying to play with my emotions. and he proceeded to tel me how. Which involved a whole lot of personal information about me...what I like both in my regular life as well as what I like sexually (which included stuff that I do sexually and what I am willing to do for someone I care for). I was so shocked! All I could ask was who told him all of this and why? All the caller said was one name, Rudy. then hung up.
To say I was beyond angry is an understatement.
I think I should explain who Rudy is...And How he broke me twice.
Back in '97, I met this guy at a club in North Hollywood that, for the life of me, I can't recall the name of it then. It is now Skinny's Lounge. And I remember that night because of two things, meeting him and having a great time and, when it was time to leave, I went outside to wait for everyone while a friend, Ernesto, went back inside to search for everyone else. While I was outside, someone tried to hold me up at gun point and after I stopped laughing and talking to him, I ended up giving him a hug (but, that's another story).
Anyway, I ended up calling Rudy and we started dating. I, eventually, ended up moving in with him. we were happy I thought. But, he did cross the line of respect once with my best friend and I that I got mad about. But, all was great. Then one day, I got off work early and decided to surprise him. So I got food from his favorite restaurant and went home. Now, mind you, he was still friends with his ex and they would hand out a lot...I never had an issue with that. I actually really liked his ex. He was a sweet giant of a man and really fun.Well, when I got home, the lights were all on but no one was around. But, I heard some noises coming from the back, where the bedrooms were. Noises I knew only to well. So, I walked very quietly back there and, through the gaps of Asian screen we had at the entrance, I saw him having sex with his ex. I must have made a noise because they both jumped. I walked out and he followed me to the living room where the first thing he said was, "it is not what you think you saw". Even though I had gotten out of work early, early then was 10pm, I just couldn't deal with the betrayal at that moment.
If he wanted to be in an open relationship, he should had told me. I would have been ok with that. my big thing is communication. But, if you are going to cheat just to cheat? No, I won't deal with that at all. And I am the type of person that when you fuck me over badly enough, I am done.
I remember getting some blankets and setting up to sleep on the couch. I don't know what look I gave him but, I cut him of from telling me that we needed to talk and told him that we would talk in the morning. he just got quite and walked away from me. Needless to say, I didn't sleep.
When morning came, I showered and he was trying to talk to me.I told him that he needed to go and help his "friend" move. I told him to go and that we would talk when he got back. He didn't want to go but I somehow convinced him to go help with the move with the promise to talk when he got back.
As soon as his car left I called a close friend, Rene, and told him if he could help me and come and pick me up because I was leaving Rudy.
I remember him asking me if Rudy had hit me...I started laughing so hard. I finally told him that I would tell him everything when he got there and hung up. I just started packing everything into garbage bags and called some friends in WeHo. Told them what had happened and the plan fell into place. I called my grandmama and told her that I would be disappearing for a while and that Rudy would be calling her looking for me. After I gave her my contact info, I told her not to tell Rudy where I was and to not tell my grandpapa where I was either because if he talked to Rudy, it would slip.
To my shock, 20 minutes later I heard someone trying the door. Shocked, I threw all of the bags behind the couch and went to check who it was. It was my friend Rene, which was a shock in it's self. He lived about 40 minutes away...sometimes longer, depending on LA traffic. I grabbed the bags and we went to our friends' place in WeHo where I stayed for three months. Just over the Hill but I knew that Rudy and his friends being the "Valley Queens" that they are rarely, if ever go over the hill. YAY for not cutting your friends off when you're in a relationship!
After three months, I went back to my regular life 100 % better. then I got a call from Rudy asking if I would give him some pictures. I found it odd but I agreed to meet him outside my place and give him the photos. I don't know what he was expecting but, he didn't get what he wanted from me. He knows how I am. I was done. then he told me that the pictures never mattered, all he wanted to do was see me again. all I said was "Ok, you saw. Now I've got to go". and I left.
I presented myself as the always fun and outgoing person in the months that followed. But, I knew I was broken. He took my trust away. But, I kept on going.
Then, about a year and a half later or so, I happen to run into one of his friends. And what he asked stopped me in my tracks. All he asked was, "Are you OK? Are you healthy?".
Before I go on, I am 100% negative of any decease...knock on wood. I have never had any STD or STI in my live...Not even Crabs. LOL
As someone who was a activist for the community, participating in marches, Dance-a-thons, Walk-A-thons, Volunteering at the LGBT center ( as it was called then) and APLA because I had lost too many friends (and would loose many more), I knew what that question was about. All I asked was for how long? That's when that friend looked shocked. He asked if he had never told me. I said no and asked again for how long? He then told me that Rudy had been positive for at least ten years. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and my legs not working. I remember hearing my friends saying something but not hearing them. I remember walking out of Circus Disco and just walking. And I remember being pushed into a car. It is all still a bit of a haze. I just remember waking up in my friend's place in Panorama City. Calling another friend to meet me at the Center and I left without a word to get tested. I knew that the incubation period was six months and the tests back then couldn't test the way they test now. I stopped having sex for a year while getting tested every month in different places. As I mentioned before, all came out clear for me. But, my trust was completely shattered. and I fell down a very dark hole. one that I had crawled out of years before.
But, I survived, all of that and moved on.
I was still making some bad choices in men and life but I kept on going.
Then,moving ahead to the present, I met this guy while standing in line to pay for groceries. We talked for a bit, I payed and moved on. I saw him a few times at the grocery store and we would small chat before he asked for my number. I am clueless when someone if flirting with me face to face. So we started talking more. this went on for a very long time. And yes, we kind of hooked up a few times. But nothing was ever exclusive. Then he started pushing for us to have sex. But, something in my gut wouldn't let me...which, though it doesn't happen often, it does happen. And I have learned to listen to my gut now. The last time I talked to him, it came across to me that he wasn't really interested in me but, an idea of me. That hurt my "fillers" but I moved on. Then, I get the phone call I answered last night.
And we are where we are now. I have no idea where Rudy is...but have help in looking for him now. I can't get a hold of "J" and his number is disconnected.
The questions that are running through my mind are Why? And Why now? It has been decades since I saw Rudy last. And, he is 24 years my senior. What is really going on is what I want to find out.
It's all a mess really. I just don't know.
Well, that's off my chest!
I can at least move on some now that it's out. But I will continue to search. I need answers.
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