Dreams run Deep

 I was standing in this tall grass field that was relatively flat. A few low hills and a lone tree in the distance. It seems very familiar to me as I look around but, I can't put my finger on it. The sun is setting...or rising. I am not sure which since it seems to be frozen in it's tracks. Then it hits me. I painted a scene like this years earlier. I stand there stunned, just looking around. My painting has come life as if in a dream.

No sooner have I come to that realization that, I hear something that sounds like a cross between a hiss and a growl. It actually scares me to hear. But I have no idea what it could be. 

Then, out of the center of the sun, I realize that there is some kind of black dot which I can barely see. But, it is getting bigger and the light from the sun is not hurting my eyes. I am confused and scared. That black dot is not only getting bigger, I can tell it is moving. And, it lets out one more of those hissing growls. But, I can't run. It's as if my feet have taken root, I am unable to move. As the dark form gets closer, I realize that it is actually undulating in mid air. The first thing that crossed my mind is that is is some kind of air snake...and say this in my mind thinking of the "Flying" Snakes.

As it gets closer and a little off the side of the sun proper, I see that as it reflects the Sun's light that it is a snake. A dark one too. But, I am wrong. As it gets closer to the tree, it stops. As it coils it's self around the tree looking at me, I realize it is a Worm Dragon and it is gorgeous. It looks like it has a gold thread running through it's dark body. I am transfixed by the beauty. And, he stares at me with much the same type of curiosity. And, little by little, it gets closer to me winding through the tall grass until it is up just inches away from my face. Finally, face to face, as it looks into my eyes, I look in his eyes and I see so much feeling. So much love...and pain. A lot of pain and fear. But, for some reason, I sense that he smiles. And, when he does, the pain and fear go away. He then coils himself around my body and I can feel how soft and wonderful his skin is. And I feel this warmth all around me. Leaving me feeling safe.

Then, the worm Dragon starts dissolving into smoke of all colors and beautiful Lotus flowers star flying everywhere. But the smoke is gathering in front of me into an upright mass. Slowly, it starts taking up a humanoid shape about five feet in front of me. Then, it solidifies into a human form. And it is someone I know. Some one I fell for years prior. It is my gorgeous J. My beautiful J. 

That is when he smiles as me. Giving me one of his smiles that have always melted my heart since day one. I tried to walk to him but, I am still unable to move my feet. But he notices and starts walking toward me. But, just before he takes the first step, a black cloud comes from what I can only describe as from behind the sun, moving at an incredible speed. Within two steps, J and I hold hands but, the black cloud has reached him and he looks into the cloud and let's go if my hands. 

The Black smoke wraps, what look like, arms made of smoke around his shoulders and I see it going in him through tiny hole like pin pricks all over his body, nose and mouth. As it is doing this, he is turning J away from me and I hear a far away detached voice laugh a little. 

I call out to J and he stops and turns. he takes a step toward me but the black cloud seems to whisper in his ear and J smiles. A smile full of glee and...what seems to me as lust, but I am not sure. And He starts walking backward, away from me. All the while smiling that smile and looking at me. But, there was sadness in his eyes and the black cloud still kept on going into him. But, it started to take human form as well. A very strong, muscular man's form. But it had no actual definition. I tried to scream " I LO..." but, the detached voice laughed again and kept me from finishing my sentence. And, the voice said that "the choice is his and his alone to make. And he chose me before you came back. He knows the choice is made. He is taken again."

In sadness I start to say "But..." And, again, I am not allowed to finish. But that voice answers none the less, " Perhaps. But he knows the choice was made weather he realizes or not. But, perhaps. For now, he is mine. He might be mine forever...and that will be a short time." And he, the shape, laughed.

I shut my eyes tight and weaved a shield around him. A tight shield to protect him as much as I could. Then the whole scene shattered into a million pieces and everything goes dark. I can't see a single thing. But, I feel them...I feel them. And the voice is back in my head saying, "You can only protect him for so long. He knew there was a choice. And he chose me. He will always choose me because I offer pleasure. I offer release...and escape. I love him as much as he loves me. He loves me in away he will never love you because once again you are too late. He is taken by someone else again.".

And I wake up.

I always wake up in the same spot. Lost in darkness and reaching out to protect. Hurt and in pain.

I have been having this dream for years now. For years. 

When I started to have them, I didn't understand why I was having them. And why J? I had come to terms that I would never let him know how I felt and that it was always going to be from a distance that I was going to love him...from a distance. Besides, our communication had fallen so sparse that is was down to simple "Hey, How are you?" or "Hope you are well".

I didn't understand the dream...I didn't want to understand it. 

then we started talking on the daily again. And, It slipped out. I told him that I loved him, something I had told myself that I would never reveal to him. To my surprise, He told me he loved me as well. But, it felt off somehow. couldn't put my finger on it. Then, I realized, He loved me as he loved many others. perhaps he loved them more. The first time we talked via video call, I realized something else as well...I noticed what anyone who has experienced it can recognize. 

Mean while I kept having this dream here and there. 

I then came to the conclusion that what the dream was telling me was that I was late yet again. He was in love with someone else. All we would be able to do was "touch hands". 

I really don't see what I don't want to see do I? But, I had already asked for clear clarification of the dream. And, it was given. 

Last week, I was having a conversation again with J about the multiple readings he has had done on him and they all told him the same thing. This was after he asked what I had seen. I told him that I would be late again. He will have someone. That's when he mentioned the readings again and went into a bit more detail about a big choice he had to make and how he will end up alone. How he is destined to help with something big (which he is) but, it depended on that choice he has to make. 

That's when my dream became clear as day and my heart ached. And has been aching since. 

I made the assumption that the dark figure was a person. A person that would give and join him in the immediate satisfaction he so needs now. I assumed it was a possibility with a few people. But I was so wrong. 

What he was told is true. A choice needed to be made. What he doesn't know is the choice was made. I hadn't wanted to notice. Even though it has worried me more times than not. 

And, my dream has been correct as well. He is taken. But, I was really wrong. I assumed it was a person...Not an object. Not an object that numbs emotions and drops all inhibitions as well as helps a person make reckless choices  and actions in the name of satisfaction. He is taken.

When I realized that, I started tearing up. I told him that I loved him and that I will always love him. He told me that I could say that I loved  him with a smile, With a little more happiness. I have never been able to keep my true feelings from my eyes or tone of voice. But I couldn't tell him why I was so sad. I just gave him one of my smiles and we ended the Skype call soon after.

But, I can and will still love him. I know only too well where he is now. And, I will ALWAYS love him.

I will love him more than he will ever know. I will love him like I loved him before. As I will love him again. 

But, for now...I am just one of the many. I understand that. One that doesn't measure up and is left behind and will still be there.

My love is painful. But, it is a pain I gladly live with for him. 

I hate drugs. You become someone that is at their beck and call. Both the drugs and those that offer "fun". You run to people that really don't care because a person thinks they need an escape...they need "fun". Running toward those that only call you when you have something to offer: drugs, food, cash, sex, or anything they feel they can get from a person. And dealers that know just what to say to keep you coming back. Some guys will even spread STIs without a care for others because all they want is to get their rocks off. They don't care. I know, I have been there and have also seen it all. I have been taken advantage of many times. And I always excused their behavior because they did one or two "good" things. All the while ignoring who they were showing me, who they really are. And, at the time, I NEVER saw it that I was being taken advantage of because I saw it as something that happened under my terms.

And I also know, I am not enough...and, that I am late, he is taken again. I am just a stepping stone across. Nothing more. But, I will be damned if I am not there for him should something happen. No matter what, I love him. And I will always try to protect him. And ALWAYS love him. And, the future is not written in stone. Even if it were, stone can be broken. He can choose to pick up this stepping stone to go with him. And, I have always believed in love...always will. And, choices are made daily after all...and I believe in his light, his strength, in him.

I will make myself enough for the both of us.

You deserve better!

Well now...Just a short message.
It seems that thanks to the whole current drama situation happening in the Mukbang community, one very important subject has surfaced again. Something which I have always thought was a very ridiculous way of thinking, and something I find very disgusting, has come up. And that is, spending money on gifts and what not on someone and expecting something in return.
Where do I begin with this?
Okay...First of all, if you have this mentality,  in my POV, it is a SICK outlook. Aside from the fact that NO ONE ever owes anyone a thing. And just because you have spent some money on anyone, it doesn't give you the right to expect anything. That is an issue that must be dealt with, maybe with a counselor or therapist. Why? Because you are WRONG! That type of behavior is abusive in nature. Just, Plain and simple, DISGUSTING behavior.
I for one, LOVE gifting friends and acquaintances I care for with gifts. My friends know this of me already. I love gifting when I can. I have even taken Jackets off myself to give it to strangers who have needed them more than me. And as much I love gifting, I would never expect anything in return. It is the giving and the joy I see in the other person's face that make me happy...and sometimes really emotional as well. I have loved someone for a long time that I have lost contact with. But, if he needed me, I would be there for him as much as I could be. And, I wouldn't expect a thing in return. 
To expect anything from someone whom happens to be a precipitant of anything gifted is just wrong!
And if you are reading this and you are feeling pressure to do something because the other person is expecting something...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING, EVER. And, that person that is making you feel this way is NOT a good person at all. You do not need that type of person in your life at all. They are a toxic person who is a bit of a narcissist. That is not a healthy relationship to be in...Love wise or Friendship.
This type of relationship is just as bad as those who are physically abusive or indifferent or ignore you until they want something. These are the people you must walk away from...People you have to let go.
And THAT just hit me in the face. 😳 LOL! Funny how one may know things already but, may not recognize that they must do something until it is written down in black and white in front of them. WOW! Well, there you go, I must do some thing now...now that I have just realized something.
There is much I have to think about now and take into consideration. 🤔
I can see why blogs are such a powerful and therapeutic thing to do. very much like a diary...a public diary. LOL! But, it has given me insight into something I had not realized.
Anyway, NO ONE should make you feel like you owe them anything. And no one should ever make you feel like you are less than, EVER!!
With that said, and I did mention it was going to be a short one, I hope this made sense and I hope you all have beautiful Dark dreams. Enjoy life, love, live and "Share".

My POV on PNP and the LGBTQ+ Community

Well, where do I begin? This is a topic I have been thinking about for many, many years. And, if you have read my past post, you know I was part of the PNP crowd.
What is PNP? PNP stands for Party and Play. What is that, you may ask? Most people not part of the Gay community may not know. Well, Party and Play means that you would/will get high to have sex. Drugs of choice are Crystal, Speed, Coke and Ecstasy. But, there are many, many more.
Now, I have to be honest, sex under the influence is GREAT. And, in itself, very addictive. Inhibitions are nonexistent and you can go for days...yes, I said days.
And there in lies the problem. One is dealing with multiple addictions here. Addictions that make one feel like they're indestructible and getting pleasures that one assumes can never be duplicated, at the time. And, because inhibitions are out the door, multiple partners at once are common. Don't get me wrong, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with multiple partners at all. The issue is that deceases never come across one's mind. And while HIV/AIDS have now become extremely manageable (something I am extremely happy about...fought for years to reach this goal), there are a number of other deceases that are out there. Some curable while others not so much. But, none of that matters. And, the "who" doesn't matter either.
So, with all of these chemicals being suppressed and released in the brain, this whole PNP situation is a very addictive situation. And, because it is so prevalent in the community and has been for decades before I even came into the community, it seems that it is a very normalized behavior.
Those are the issues I have seen and experienced myself. And I HAVE experienced it first hand.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was very much a drug user. Something I haven't touched since 2005. And I was the quintessential PNP Boy. I was well know then in all of the different Gay communities found in LA and Palm Springs. And I was everywhere! And I did everything, anywhere. Yes, I am talking sex and drugs. From well know annual sex parties, Cruising in places like Hyperion and Vaseline Alley to visiting sex clubs and bars like Cuffs and CCBC or, just the bathroom or center of a dance floor at clubs like Rage, Sinomatics, Circus and Arena. Not to mention all of the public places like Buses (and then trains), Churches, parks, bushes, cars, and so on and so forth. And, again, I STILL don't find anything wrong with any of that...so long as you are not hurting anybody and it is all between consenting adults, I say go for it. I still do once in a while, but I digress.
The PNP aspect of the community is very common. While you're in it, you see nothing wrong with it. It is a fun and exciting way to have, what you think is, the best sex ever. But, it is slowly destroying my community. And that breaks my heart. So many have died from overdoes and/or decease. Some have done drugs so much that they have permanently damaged their brain and/or sent into an extreme depression which will end up taking the person's life. It's heartbreaking.
I am one of the lucky ones. I survived and surpassed being a PNP Boy. But many are not so lucky. The thing is that the education is out there. The help is there. But, if you are to submerged in the scene to care or believe the hype that that is the only way to have great sex, you don't want to hear anything that might put a stop to the "Party". Not even a hospital stay from an overdoes helps some. They will stop for a few months and then start up again on the down low. It breaks my heart. But, like I said in the past, if you are not ready to quit an addiction, it doesn't matter who or what, you will not stop.
NOW! if you are living the "Party Life" let me tell you a few things. Sex, soon after cleaning up, is odd. It doesn't feel the same or right. No lie. That is because your body is experiencing sex for the first time again. You have to "get used" to that feeling again. And, sometimes, I have heard that you have to wait for your sex drive to come back. But, I heard it comes back again. I never really lost it. But, I have become more selective in my choices of "who" now. And, the sex itself, what some think that they can't have the same kind of sex that they had while party and playing...let me tell you that that is a lie. Sex is so much better now because I can experience it all in the present...AND remember it all as well (those in the know know what I mean). Life does improve after drugs. Sex gets so much better and without the dark possibilities that come along with the drugs.
If it were up to me, I wish I could snap my fingers and make everyone wake up and realize the harm they are doing to themselves. But, one, I need to learn how to properly snap my fingers. And second, that would never happen. All I can do is share my POV and hope someone reads it and gets some inspiration from it. Hope that I can help at least one person...that is one life that I was able to help. But, again, I know that that first step must come from the person themselves.
With that, I hope this made sense and I hope you all have beautiful Dark dreams. Enjoy Life, be safe AND Love and share.